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[personal profile] dreamwitch
I'm watching 'Great Teacher Onizuka' (first 10 minutes... wish me luck, I might actually finish one ep), and it's cute... I mean especially the likelihood I'll end up student teaching within a few years. So I was imagining standing there in front of class, and-- HOW EMBARRASSING-- I'd be the sort of teacher who randomly bursts out with silly/stupid and pointless tangents and-- oh god-- interrupts her students. Just kill me now. Note: didn't finish watching it, of course. ^^;;;


Anyway, on the larger front I'm very busy and all the times I'm not, I'm reading snatches of fiction and manga in pathetic dribbles, before my guilt drags me to read/write stuff for class, usually not a second before it's too late. I've adjusted, though; I hardly ever see my roommates or talk to my friends or call anyone, and I'm not doing so good at the whole club/social life/gym-going thing either, but I'm doing my homework... JUST. I'm really enjoying the seminar format portions of our class, except for the parts (especially today) where I randomly babble and interrupt, sounding like the hugest annoying idiot ever. :/


I am so embarrassed-- sooooo embarrassed-- that even just reading an article about it makes me more embarrassed. Stuff like, (paraphrasing) 'interrupting is a sign you consider what you say more important than what the other person says'-- which is SO not true, I just literally am having way more trouble than normal controlling my outbursts; still, the idea that others may perceive it that way sort of triples my embarrassment. It's not a feeling of importance/unimportance, but an impulse-control issue that may be related to feeling tired or a bit frazzled or whatever, who knows. It's usually not *this* bad, but it's not like I've been in school the last few years, and I haven't had seminars for a while even in school. It's BAD; I've been hounded by my embarrassment all of today, and in fact I was embarrassed in class and promised myself I won't do it again, and then I did it again before I could think. AGH, I just want to crawl somewhere and die. Except without the dying. But with the crawling.

In fact, I kept thinking 'they think I'm rude, don't they' and 'they think I'm a total doofus, don't they', because I don't even interrupt to say anything that meaningful/important/etc by my own standards; not like I interrupt on purpose, but aghhhh. Normally I do this less baldly with friends 'cause there's fewer people talking and I keep the rhythm of conversation easier, plus my gaucheness is accepted on some level-- I still do it, though, and I think I regard it sort of like how I have a hard time walking in a straight line (I walk in zigzags unless I concentrate), how I eat/live messily, frequently forget what I was saying or what my point is, ramble and try people's patience and sound like a two-year old 'cause I randomly momentarily forget words for things and say 'this' or 'that thing over there'-- all these embarrassing things. I guess in more one-on-one environments, it's more acceptable, but in a more group-wide setting, it's setting up my own sense of being excruciatingly exposed. It's only when I really pay attention that I wonder why more people don't consider I'm quasi-autistic and actually seem to think I've got some social insights. Oh well, they're only theoretical insights, anyway. And then somehow I end up going out with people who have the nerve to tell me they're 'not good with people/relationships', unlike ME. I mean, literally, I can't even shut up; it can't get more basic than knowing when to shut up. I constantly have the sense I'm saying something vaguely gauche and/or badly phrased; I *know* I am, so my saying things always feels like some sort of verbal incontinence, except when I literally cannot say a word. I SERIOUSLY don't know how I end up making anyone think I'm eloquent or whatever, even if I am 15% of the time-- what about the other 85% I sound like the hugest dork ever?? And to think I may be offending people by being rude makes it worse; I mean, if it was only my own doofusness, that's one thing, but this is just embarrassing on a whole 'nother level.......

And it's not that I can't listen; a lot of people with ADD online say they've got problems listening in general, not just controlling their babble/interrupt response. I do enjoy and practice listening (I think), but this doesn't help all the time, especially if I'm randomly bored in some time in class and *can't* listen to everything without going 'lalalalala' instead of doodling in my notebook. Maybe that's the problem? Can it be I interrupt more when I'm either too bored or too involved/excited?

Hm. I could try taking meds before class, or just trying to be aware when I'm doodling a *lot* and am thus more bored than usual, and stopping and forcing myself to listen or just forcibly decide to shut up no matter what on a 'boring' day (which I can do). In other words, I pay attention to others' cues pretty well when moderately engaged (though I still interrupt lightly when *highly* engaged/excited), but tend to either tune out entirely or have random outbursts when unengaged and bored/listless-- not that I'm not listening, but I'm not entirely engaged, and therefore my mind wanders, and when my mind wanders, my impulsivity gets super-upped.

Ok, at least now I've got an explanation (even if not an excuse), and can try to have meds before seminar classes, anyway.


Anyway, sorry, this was more verbal incontinence, following a lengthy period of verbal dryness and silence. Ugh. Sorry. :/
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