dreamwitch: (Default)
[personal profile] dreamwitch
I'm watching 'Great Teacher Onizuka' (first 10 minutes... wish me luck, I might actually finish one ep), and it's cute... I mean especially the likelihood I'll end up student teaching within a few years. So I was imagining standing there in front of class, and-- HOW EMBARRASSING-- I'd be the sort of teacher who randomly bursts out with silly/stupid and pointless tangents and-- oh god-- interrupts her students. Just kill me now. Note: didn't finish watching it, of course. ^^;;;

Anyway, on the larger front I'm very busy and all the times I'm not, I'm reading snatches of fiction and manga in pathetic dribbles, before my guilt drags me to read/write stuff for class, usually not a second before it's too late. I've adjusted, though; I hardly ever see my roommates or talk to my friends or call anyone, and I'm not doing so good at the whole club/social life/gym-going thing either, but I'm doing my homework... JUST. I'm really enjoying the seminar format portions of our class, except for the parts (especially today) where I randomly babble and interrupt, sounding like the hugest annoying idiot ever. :/

I am so embarrassed-- sooooo embarrassed-- that even just reading an article about it makes me more embarrassed. Stuff like, (paraphrasing) 'interrupting is a sign you consider what you say more important than what the other person says'-- which is SO not true, I just literally am having way more trouble than normal controlling my outbursts; still, the idea that others may perceive it that way sort of triples my embarrassment. It's not a feeling of importance/unimportance, but an impulse-control issue that may be related to feeling tired or a bit frazzled or whatever, who knows. It's usually not *this* bad, but it's not like I've been in school the last few years, and I haven't had seminars for a while even in school. It's BAD; I've been hounded by my embarrassment all of today, and in fact I was embarrassed in class and promised myself I won't do it again, and then I did it again before I could think. AGH, I just want to crawl somewhere and die. Except without the dying. But with the crawling.

In fact, I kept thinking 'they think I'm rude, don't they' and 'they think I'm a total doofus, don't they', because I don't even interrupt to say anything that meaningful/important/etc by my own standards; not like I interrupt on purpose, but aghhhh. Normally I do this less baldly with friends 'cause there's fewer people talking and I keep the rhythm of conversation easier, plus my gaucheness is accepted on some level-- I still do it, though, and I think I regard it sort of like how I have a hard time walking in a straight line (I walk in zigzags unless I concentrate), how I eat/live messily, frequently forget what I was saying or what my point is, ramble and try people's patience and sound like a two-year old 'cause I randomly momentarily forget words for things and say 'this' or 'that thing over there'-- all these embarrassing things. I guess in more one-on-one environments, it's more acceptable, but in a more group-wide setting, it's setting up my own sense of being excruciatingly exposed. It's only when I really pay attention that I wonder why more people don't consider I'm quasi-autistic and actually seem to think I've got some social insights. Oh well, they're only theoretical insights, anyway. And then somehow I end up going out with people who have the nerve to tell me they're 'not good with people/relationships', unlike ME. I mean, literally, I can't even shut up; it can't get more basic than knowing when to shut up. I constantly have the sense I'm saying something vaguely gauche and/or badly phrased; I *know* I am, so my saying things always feels like some sort of verbal incontinence, except when I literally cannot say a word. I SERIOUSLY don't know how I end up making anyone think I'm eloquent or whatever, even if I am 15% of the time-- what about the other 85% I sound like the hugest dork ever?? And to think I may be offending people by being rude makes it worse; I mean, if it was only my own doofusness, that's one thing, but this is just embarrassing on a whole 'nother level.......

And it's not that I can't listen; a lot of people with ADD online say they've got problems listening in general, not just controlling their babble/interrupt response. I do enjoy and practice listening (I think), but this doesn't help all the time, especially if I'm randomly bored in some time in class and *can't* listen to everything without going 'lalalalala' instead of doodling in my notebook. Maybe that's the problem? Can it be I interrupt more when I'm either too bored or too involved/excited?

Hm. I could try taking meds before class, or just trying to be aware when I'm doodling a *lot* and am thus more bored than usual, and stopping and forcing myself to listen or just forcibly decide to shut up no matter what on a 'boring' day (which I can do). In other words, I pay attention to others' cues pretty well when moderately engaged (though I still interrupt lightly when *highly* engaged/excited), but tend to either tune out entirely or have random outbursts when unengaged and bored/listless-- not that I'm not listening, but I'm not entirely engaged, and therefore my mind wanders, and when my mind wanders, my impulsivity gets super-upped.

Ok, at least now I've got an explanation (even if not an excuse), and can try to have meds before seminar classes, anyway.

Anyway, sorry, this was more verbal incontinence, following a lengthy period of verbal dryness and silence. Ugh. Sorry. :/
Anonymous( )Anonymous This account has disabled anonymous posting.
OpenID( )OpenID You can comment on this post while signed in with an account from many other sites, once you have confirmed your email address. Sign in using OpenID.
Account name:
If you don't have an account you can create one now.
HTML doesn't work in the subject.


Notice: This account is set to log the IP addresses of everyone who comments.
Links will be displayed as unclickable URLs to help prevent spam.

January 2012

222324252627 28

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Sep. 25th, 2017 06:21 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios