(no subject)

I suppose I knew it would happen eventually, but I didn't -really- know. I guess no one "really knows" until something actually -happens-. So....

Stephen (the ex-who-is-now-in-friend-rehab) copy & pasted my last entry to my mother in an email 'cause she was asking about me....

And the funny thing is, I actually sent her the link, not knowing he'd do that... but that's not the point. Now I feel all violated & suddenly I understand that people make journals friends-only not because they -want- to, but because otherwise their paranoia goes through the roof, which is unpleasant. And I'm really not even given to paranoia.

Still, I feel like my trust has been seriously encroached upon, so for the foreseeable future, I'll just lock any personal entries & keep the poems & ficlets unlocked, 'cause. Not that I -mind- my mother seeing it, but... the passing around? Not of the good.

The comfort with this journal was that it wasn't advertised, that anything I said here had a small & vaguely predictable audience. It wasn't locked, but it wasn't -public-, either. It was... shy, sort of how I am. I'd tell you anything, but I prefer to be asked rather than spied on. That sort of thing.

I feel like I can trust him, but not under pressure. Like, he'd never hurt me on purpose, but then, he just doesn't have the same understanding of "hurt" as I do, which is difficult to overcome. He was just trying to be helpful, but I have this thing about losing what tenuous control I have over what I say... not that I really think I have any. But I'd like to somewhat know who's going to know what about me, even if I keep no secrets. I dunno. Never really had to deal with this before, so I'm all befuddled and in a panic I'd locked like, a third of the entries. *sigh*

I like to think I'd say anything I have to say to anyone... but I mean... it has to be my own choice, that's the thing. I'll prolly get over my little scare and unlock it, but. Peace of mind. Never really knew what it was until it was threatened, man.