(no subject)

Ahhh, sometimes I feel as if I'm living in a self-imposed ghetto of sorts, thinking and breathing and feeling HarryPotterHarryPotterHarryPotter for two and a half years now, and there's a whole world out there, mysterious, huge and beautiful, that I remember as if it could only touch me fleetingly, in dreams and flashes of color. I don't even read anymore, I just consume. I've done this before-- immersed myself in things-- when it was Star Trek (for two/three years), it was Star Trek all the time, 24/7, too... I was never quite that much into Sandman (there wasn't as much to read with that), but I could've been.... Oh, the universe to get lost in, that's what they all have in common... the yearning to see with different eyes, see things more beautiful and strange than I could've dreamt of yesterday.

Today, my dreams are fiercer because I can touch bare branches in the dark whispering wood, as the autumn falls closer to its end and I want... I want a taste of a new dream to keep me safe through until spring. But there are no new dreams-- there are only old, comfortable ones lingering in the dusty corners, smearing on my mouth like the faintest residue of familiar scents....

My classes this term are apparently cancelled because I didn't come up and sign a piece of paper in time. I don't know how I feel about that. I knew something would happen, because I knew that I needed to keep on my toes and I didn't, of course, since it was struggle enough (accomplishment?) just to go every day, and I don't know when that started, either, when did I become so... easily satisfied.

God, I'm just looking at all the amazing gorgeous Sandman art and it's better than anything I've seen anyone do for fandom (even though in a way, it's fanart, really), and it just reminds me that there's a -world- out there, and I used to know it, I used to be out there, at least peeking in wider circles-- there used to be a greater range of flight, a more impressive landscape, and now.... I'm just so shut in, creatively, and though I am creating -more-, I feel as if I'm perceiving so much less. Now I'm always skipping along the shadows, waiting for daylight to give me the illusion of being free (funny how easy it is to feel good just because it's sunny out-- for a little while at least). But I want that beauty of perception again-- I want to see things that I can't criticize, indulge in art that I don't analyze (which isn't porn), let myself go without wondering if anyone will listen, because of course no one does when it's just you & the beauty of the world. I need to get reacquainted.

Something that's nothing to do with community and everything to do with my senses waking, my imagination loose and unfettered, inspiration everywhere and my heart needing no other rest.