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Dec. 10th, 2011 09:04 pm![[personal profile]](http://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dreamwitchI'm watching 'Great Teacher Onizuka' (first 10 minutes... wish me luck, I might actually finish one ep), and it's cute... I mean especially the likelihood I'll end up student teaching within a few years. So I was imagining standing there in front of class, and-- HOW EMBARRASSING-- I'd be the sort of teacher who randomly bursts out with silly/stupid and pointless tangents and-- oh god-- interrupts her students. Just kill me now. Note: didn't finish watching it, of course. ^^;;;
Anyway, on the larger front I'm very busy and all the times I'm not, I'm reading snatches of fiction and manga in pathetic dribbles, before my guilt drags me to read/write stuff for class, usually not a second before it's too late. I've adjusted, though; I hardly ever see my roommates or talk to my friends or call anyone, and I'm not doing so good at the whole club/social life/gym-going thing either, but I'm doing my homework... JUST. I'm really enjoying the seminar format portions of our class, except for the parts (especially today) where I randomly babble and interrupt, sounding like the hugest annoying idiot ever. :/
I am so embarrassed-- sooooo embarrassed-- that even just reading an article about it makes me more embarrassed. Stuff like, (paraphrasing) 'interrupting is a sign you consider what you say more important than what the other person says'-- which is SO not true, I just literally am having way more trouble than normal controlling my outbursts; still, the idea that others may perceive it that way sort of triples my embarrassment. It's not a feeling of importance/unimportance, but an impulse-control issue that may be related to feeling tired or a bit frazzled or whatever, who knows. It's usually not *this* bad, but it's not like I've been in school the last few years, and I haven't had seminars for a while even in school. It's BAD; I've been hounded by my embarrassment all of today, and in fact I was embarrassed in class and promised myself I won't do it again, and then I did it again before I could think. AGH, I just want to crawl somewhere and die. Except without the dying. But with the crawling.
In fact, I kept thinking 'they think I'm rude, don't they' and 'they think I'm a total doofus, don't they', because I don't even interrupt to say anything that meaningful/important/etc by my own standards; not like I interrupt on purpose, but aghhhh. Normally I do this less baldly with friends 'cause there's fewer people talking and I keep the rhythm of conversation easier, plus my gaucheness is accepted on some level-- I still do it, though, and I think I regard it sort of like how I have a hard time walking in a straight line (I walk in zigzags unless I concentrate), how I eat/live messily, frequently forget what I was saying or what my point is, ramble and try people's patience and sound like a two-year old 'cause I randomly momentarily forget words for things and say 'this' or 'that thing over there'-- all these embarrassing things. I guess in more one-on-one environments, it's more acceptable, but in a more group-wide setting, it's setting up my own sense of being excruciatingly exposed. It's only when I really pay attention that I wonder why more people don't consider I'm quasi-autistic and actually seem to think I've got some social insights. Oh well, they're only theoretical insights, anyway. And then somehow I end up going out with people who have the nerve to tell me they're 'not good with people/relationships', unlike ME. I mean, literally, I can't even shut up; it can't get more basic than knowing when to shut up. I constantly have the sense I'm saying something vaguely gauche and/or badly phrased; I *know* I am, so my saying things always feels like some sort of verbal incontinence, except when I literally cannot say a word. I SERIOUSLY don't know how I end up making anyone think I'm eloquent or whatever, even if I am 15% of the time-- what about the other 85% I sound like the hugest dork ever?? And to think I may be offending people by being rude makes it worse; I mean, if it was only my own doofusness, that's one thing, but this is just embarrassing on a whole 'nother level.......
And it's not that I can't listen; a lot of people with ADD online say they've got problems listening in general, not just controlling their babble/interrupt response. I do enjoy and practice listening (I think), but this doesn't help all the time, especially if I'm randomly bored in some time in class and *can't* listen to everything without going 'lalalalala' instead of doodling in my notebook. Maybe that's the problem? Can it be I interrupt more when I'm either too bored or too involved/excited?
Hm. I could try taking meds before class, or just trying to be aware when I'm doodling a *lot* and am thus more bored than usual, and stopping and forcing myself to listen or just forcibly decide to shut up no matter what on a 'boring' day (which I can do). In other words, I pay attention to others' cues pretty well when moderately engaged (though I still interrupt lightly when *highly* engaged/excited), but tend to either tune out entirely or have random outbursts when unengaged and bored/listless-- not that I'm not listening, but I'm not entirely engaged, and therefore my mind wanders, and when my mind wanders, my impulsivity gets super-upped.
Ok, at least now I've got an explanation (even if not an excuse), and can try to have meds before seminar classes, anyway.
Anyway, sorry, this was more verbal incontinence, following a lengthy period of verbal dryness and silence. Ugh. Sorry. :/
Anyway, on the larger front I'm very busy and all the times I'm not, I'm reading snatches of fiction and manga in pathetic dribbles, before my guilt drags me to read/write stuff for class, usually not a second before it's too late. I've adjusted, though; I hardly ever see my roommates or talk to my friends or call anyone, and I'm not doing so good at the whole club/social life/gym-going thing either, but I'm doing my homework... JUST. I'm really enjoying the seminar format portions of our class, except for the parts (especially today) where I randomly babble and interrupt, sounding like the hugest annoying idiot ever. :/
I am so embarrassed-- sooooo embarrassed-- that even just reading an article about it makes me more embarrassed. Stuff like, (paraphrasing) 'interrupting is a sign you consider what you say more important than what the other person says'-- which is SO not true, I just literally am having way more trouble than normal controlling my outbursts; still, the idea that others may perceive it that way sort of triples my embarrassment. It's not a feeling of importance/unimportance, but an impulse-control issue that may be related to feeling tired or a bit frazzled or whatever, who knows. It's usually not *this* bad, but it's not like I've been in school the last few years, and I haven't had seminars for a while even in school. It's BAD; I've been hounded by my embarrassment all of today, and in fact I was embarrassed in class and promised myself I won't do it again, and then I did it again before I could think. AGH, I just want to crawl somewhere and die. Except without the dying. But with the crawling.
In fact, I kept thinking 'they think I'm rude, don't they' and 'they think I'm a total doofus, don't they', because I don't even interrupt to say anything that meaningful/important/etc by my own standards; not like I interrupt on purpose, but aghhhh. Normally I do this less baldly with friends 'cause there's fewer people talking and I keep the rhythm of conversation easier, plus my gaucheness is accepted on some level-- I still do it, though, and I think I regard it sort of like how I have a hard time walking in a straight line (I walk in zigzags unless I concentrate), how I eat/live messily, frequently forget what I was saying or what my point is, ramble and try people's patience and sound like a two-year old 'cause I randomly momentarily forget words for things and say 'this' or 'that thing over there'-- all these embarrassing things. I guess in more one-on-one environments, it's more acceptable, but in a more group-wide setting, it's setting up my own sense of being excruciatingly exposed. It's only when I really pay attention that I wonder why more people don't consider I'm quasi-autistic and actually seem to think I've got some social insights. Oh well, they're only theoretical insights, anyway. And then somehow I end up going out with people who have the nerve to tell me they're 'not good with people/relationships', unlike ME. I mean, literally, I can't even shut up; it can't get more basic than knowing when to shut up. I constantly have the sense I'm saying something vaguely gauche and/or badly phrased; I *know* I am, so my saying things always feels like some sort of verbal incontinence, except when I literally cannot say a word. I SERIOUSLY don't know how I end up making anyone think I'm eloquent or whatever, even if I am 15% of the time-- what about the other 85% I sound like the hugest dork ever?? And to think I may be offending people by being rude makes it worse; I mean, if it was only my own doofusness, that's one thing, but this is just embarrassing on a whole 'nother level.......
And it's not that I can't listen; a lot of people with ADD online say they've got problems listening in general, not just controlling their babble/interrupt response. I do enjoy and practice listening (I think), but this doesn't help all the time, especially if I'm randomly bored in some time in class and *can't* listen to everything without going 'lalalalala' instead of doodling in my notebook. Maybe that's the problem? Can it be I interrupt more when I'm either too bored or too involved/excited?
Hm. I could try taking meds before class, or just trying to be aware when I'm doodling a *lot* and am thus more bored than usual, and stopping and forcing myself to listen or just forcibly decide to shut up no matter what on a 'boring' day (which I can do). In other words, I pay attention to others' cues pretty well when moderately engaged (though I still interrupt lightly when *highly* engaged/excited), but tend to either tune out entirely or have random outbursts when unengaged and bored/listless-- not that I'm not listening, but I'm not entirely engaged, and therefore my mind wanders, and when my mind wanders, my impulsivity gets super-upped.
Ok, at least now I've got an explanation (even if not an excuse), and can try to have meds before seminar classes, anyway.
Anyway, sorry, this was more verbal incontinence, following a lengthy period of verbal dryness and silence. Ugh. Sorry. :/
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Date: 2009-11-11 08:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-25 02:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-11-12 05:20 am (UTC)No idea if this idea helps, but I had a roommate who had the same impulse control interruption things (she described it the same way), and she worked really hard to get over it... one method she said was kinda mentally useful was thinking about it like she was an interviewer. No idea if that pings w/ you, but throwing it out there. She also said that getting generally mentally "centered/calm/zen/one with God" helped (she was very stressed out due to some past trauma for a long time). Good luck w/ everything!
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Date: 2009-11-25 02:45 am (UTC)The mentally centered/calm thing is a really good idea! It'd probably help to up both my alertness level and my calm level. I was a pretty bad interviewer (the one time I tried) 'cause I interrupted her a bit, too. I suck. :> But thanks! Somehow I'll survive. :>
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Date: 2009-12-16 01:20 am (UTC)you aren't verbally incontinent. <3
a lot of times in large groups i'll catch myself just babbling pure nonsense and it's so incoherent, and it's usually when everyone's talking over each other fighting to be heard, but sometimes it hits me really hard and i realize i sound almost infantile, i'm so incoherent and inarticulate and stuttering so much. I really have problems speaking and articulating thought out loud, especially when there's a lot of pressure on me. I wish i could outgrow this or something. Or else just walk around with a dry-erase board attached to my chest forever so i can write what i'm saying :( :( :( :(
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Date: 2009-12-16 01:38 am (UTC)Anyway, I can't trust you... I mean, how do you know. I say this because my first response is to say, 'but see, no way, you're totally charming & well-self-possessed in real life! moreso than me, anyway!' but then I haven't seen you in large groups or under pressure (and vice versa, I guess). Anyway, that sounds painful. It was a bit ridiculous today 'cause I had my end-of-quarter conference and my professor tried to reassure me-- he complimented me on my writing (like, how it amazes him how eloquent I am in writing) & I said 'oh, y'mean compared to speaking' (because I can't let well enough alone, can I), and he's like 'no, no you're too hard on yourself, it's not that bad' (hahaha and I was like, SO IT IS KINDA BAD, but I didn't say it, 'cause poor guy, he's so nice). The problem with me (he sort of implied) isn't that I don't have interesting things to say out loud, but that I don't exactly say them pithily, so if you just sit and listen to me for awhile, and let me ramble on, you'll get something (eventually), but in short bursts in class it can be hit or miss. Though... he didn't *say* that, but. :>
Oooh, a dry-erase board. Is it bad that I was like, '.....this would almost work....' haha.
Btw, as I mentioned in a more recent post, you really were right about me & fandom (4evar??)... mostly. >____>;;; Kind of. I think. :> God, why am I reading K/S but STILL wanting to write H/D as a result. *facepalm*
Also, send me an address, get a Christmas card. >:D
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Date: 2009-12-16 01:45 am (UTC)ahahahaha, I AM 1585 POSTS BEHIND, it might take me a while to catch up *rolls up sleeves.* but re you and fandom all i have to say is READ THE HUG FIC YOU LOON :))))))
also i can't really even talk, i just exhausted myself writing a very flawed 35,000-word fic for hd_holidays and now i'm just like. i don't even know. I DON'T EVEN KNOW, i am both done with h/d and TIED TO IT FOREVER NEVER WANT TO FLY NEVER WANT TO LEAVE NEVER WANT TO SAY WHAT YOU MEAN TO ME.
thank you for thinking i am self-possessed. i was under an incredible amount of stress BOTH times you have seen me in public, haha, so that is very sweet and much-appreciated. and likewise, i think that your main problem in speaking to people, or, at least, YOUR PROBLEM SIX YEARS AGO SDKFJ;DJ;L, was that you just seemed very unsure of yourself, so you mumbled and had a hard time making eye contact. There is not and has never been anything to be ashamed of about what you have to say, though. <3
and seriously, if i could just have a pen attached to my hand so i could write down what i mean to say and hold it up frantically in high-pressure situations, my life would be so much better. :( LIFE.
oh oh oh i want a card! <33333
Aja Romano :D
One High St. #503
Portsmouth, VA 23704
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Date: 2009-12-16 01:59 am (UTC)Btw, guess what, I passed, so they're not throwing me out of school this quarter! \o/ you're the first person outside a random classmate who knows, haha. Anyway, I still barely make eye-contact, though sadly ummm I've met people who have more problems with it than I do, and tried to date them. NEVER even THINK of dating people who've got worse problems than you do in the same things you have problems with. Just. This is my deep-earned wisdom, may it serve you well.
I'm like that with all my fandoms. Like, why can't I just get over it. >___>; I should never have slept with them on the first date. >___>;
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Date: 2009-12-16 02:14 am (UTC)hahaha, well, you are welcome to read it at any time, you can read it now if you like (THEY ARE NEVER POSTING IT, THEY HAVE FORGOTTEN IT EXISTS, THEY HAVE FORGOTTEN *I* EXIST, WHYYYYYYY WON'T THEY POST MY FIC ARGH SUSPENSE JASDFKASFDSK) fa;da but yeah, it's very, uh. i mean i wrote, revised, and polished off the whole thing in just under 3 weeks, so i exhausted myself to finish it on time and i just ran out of time to make it any better. but yeah. Reparo + the hug fic, and Cathy's post-HBP film fics, and this one wonderful fic called The Perfect Day -- those are really all i need of h/d fandom right now.
CONGRATULATIONS ON NOT GETTING THROWN OUT OF SCHOOL. I HAD NO IDEA YOU WERE EVEN FACING ISSUES, BUT I RETROACTIVELY *KNEW YOU COULD DO IT!* \o/ :DDDDDDD what are you doing to celebrate!
HAHAHA A SWAN PADDLING MADLY AKDJF;KDJ that is so sweet and inaccurate oh my god hahahaha <3333 thank you <333333
no subject
Date: 2009-12-16 03:44 am (UTC)Yeah, well, it's not really 'cause you haven't read my lj or anything, I haven't really made a comprehensive post-- I was just admitted conditionally 'cause of my whole.... problematic scholastic history, etcetc. It's a wonder they admitted me at all. And also a wonder I passed considering I didn't quite do 100% of the work, but technically I did 95%....?? um. >___>; Transcribing voice recordings is just... not my thing. Apparently.
See, a swan never knows they're a swan. And you know this is true because you know I never give compliments just to give them (if I think that's what I'm doing it always sounds weird and wrong and possibly offensive). :>
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Date: 2009-12-16 03:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-16 04:11 am (UTC)scream. okay, just so you have a full disclaimer, YOU SHOULD REALLY READ AMALIN'S HUG FIC (which not that many people have read, honestly, but it is my Fic of All Fics, ahhh) AND REPARO BECAUSE THEY ARE 1500000000 TIMES BETTER THAN MY FIC. which is not really all that fluffy, ahahahaha. anyway, i just sent it to elsewiser so hopefully if you feel like celebrating burying your head in THIRTY-FIVE THOUSAND MEANDERING WORDS OF ANGST, FEEL FREE.
also ahaha, another friend told me today that i was fandom jesus. so now cathy/kara/val are all YES THAT IS IT EXACTLY, ON THE SURFACE YOU ARE WALKING ON WATER BUT BENEATH YOU ARE PADDLING MADLY JUST TO STAY AFLOAT! and all SWAN WITH HALO!!! and it is very ridiculous and sweet ahaha. god. my life. and thank you. :)
it's not a wonder at all that you passed. my english teacher once told me that good work speaks for itself, so that 95% of the work done *well* is better than a half-assed %100 any day. <3
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Date: 2009-12-16 04:20 am (UTC)Also hahah I can't even imagine 35,000 words of H/D fluff, which is of course why H/D fandom had been like poison to my open veins. I mean, if I didn't know it existed, I couldn't have invented it. I mean really. >____>; Eventually someone would have to get tested for bespelled roses AT THE VERY LEAST.
I actually did way less than 95%, it's just I bullshitted through the other 15% I didn't do either, but I don't *think* my professor knows. But it's too bad he wanted me to read one book a week. >____>;;;;;
no subject
Date: 2009-12-16 04:32 am (UTC)what kind of class was it for????
also re fluff, there's a new writer,
and my fic is... really not fluffy. i actually don't really even know how i feel about it, myself. it's just. afjaasklas. VERY ODD, ok. I think Reparo does what it's trying to do about 8 million times better.
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Date: 2009-12-16 04:41 am (UTC)I love your angst fics :D :D :D *wide evil grin* The only kind of angst I don't like is like, seriously stupid over-the-top angst where it's like, Draco's got a deadly disease, Harry has to marry Ginny FOR THE GOOD OF WIZARDKIND, really Draco loved him before he died, etcetc ugh why why why. Um yes, but other than that sort of soap-operaish thing, I love angst. :> And I think retelling/redoing things is like, the point.
It's for an English/folklore/sociology/ethnography interdisciplinary program. It mostly amounts to an English class, haha. :>