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Dec. 10th, 2011 09:04 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dreamwitchI'm watching 'Great Teacher Onizuka' (first 10 minutes... wish me luck, I might actually finish one ep), and it's cute... I mean especially the likelihood I'll end up student teaching within a few years. So I was imagining standing there in front of class, and-- HOW EMBARRASSING-- I'd be the sort of teacher who randomly bursts out with silly/stupid and pointless tangents and-- oh god-- interrupts her students. Just kill me now. Note: didn't finish watching it, of course. ^^;;;
Anyway, on the larger front I'm very busy and all the times I'm not, I'm reading snatches of fiction and manga in pathetic dribbles, before my guilt drags me to read/write stuff for class, usually not a second before it's too late. I've adjusted, though; I hardly ever see my roommates or talk to my friends or call anyone, and I'm not doing so good at the whole club/social life/gym-going thing either, but I'm doing my homework... JUST. I'm really enjoying the seminar format portions of our class, except for the parts (especially today) where I randomly babble and interrupt, sounding like the hugest annoying idiot ever. :/
I am so embarrassed-- sooooo embarrassed-- that even just reading an article about it makes me more embarrassed. Stuff like, (paraphrasing) 'interrupting is a sign you consider what you say more important than what the other person says'-- which is SO not true, I just literally am having way more trouble than normal controlling my outbursts; still, the idea that others may perceive it that way sort of triples my embarrassment. It's not a feeling of importance/unimportance, but an impulse-control issue that may be related to feeling tired or a bit frazzled or whatever, who knows. It's usually not *this* bad, but it's not like I've been in school the last few years, and I haven't had seminars for a while even in school. It's BAD; I've been hounded by my embarrassment all of today, and in fact I was embarrassed in class and promised myself I won't do it again, and then I did it again before I could think. AGH, I just want to crawl somewhere and die. Except without the dying. But with the crawling.
In fact, I kept thinking 'they think I'm rude, don't they' and 'they think I'm a total doofus, don't they', because I don't even interrupt to say anything that meaningful/important/etc by my own standards; not like I interrupt on purpose, but aghhhh. Normally I do this less baldly with friends 'cause there's fewer people talking and I keep the rhythm of conversation easier, plus my gaucheness is accepted on some level-- I still do it, though, and I think I regard it sort of like how I have a hard time walking in a straight line (I walk in zigzags unless I concentrate), how I eat/live messily, frequently forget what I was saying or what my point is, ramble and try people's patience and sound like a two-year old 'cause I randomly momentarily forget words for things and say 'this' or 'that thing over there'-- all these embarrassing things. I guess in more one-on-one environments, it's more acceptable, but in a more group-wide setting, it's setting up my own sense of being excruciatingly exposed. It's only when I really pay attention that I wonder why more people don't consider I'm quasi-autistic and actually seem to think I've got some social insights. Oh well, they're only theoretical insights, anyway. And then somehow I end up going out with people who have the nerve to tell me they're 'not good with people/relationships', unlike ME. I mean, literally, I can't even shut up; it can't get more basic than knowing when to shut up. I constantly have the sense I'm saying something vaguely gauche and/or badly phrased; I *know* I am, so my saying things always feels like some sort of verbal incontinence, except when I literally cannot say a word. I SERIOUSLY don't know how I end up making anyone think I'm eloquent or whatever, even if I am 15% of the time-- what about the other 85% I sound like the hugest dork ever?? And to think I may be offending people by being rude makes it worse; I mean, if it was only my own doofusness, that's one thing, but this is just embarrassing on a whole 'nother level.......
And it's not that I can't listen; a lot of people with ADD online say they've got problems listening in general, not just controlling their babble/interrupt response. I do enjoy and practice listening (I think), but this doesn't help all the time, especially if I'm randomly bored in some time in class and *can't* listen to everything without going 'lalalalala' instead of doodling in my notebook. Maybe that's the problem? Can it be I interrupt more when I'm either too bored or too involved/excited?
Hm. I could try taking meds before class, or just trying to be aware when I'm doodling a *lot* and am thus more bored than usual, and stopping and forcing myself to listen or just forcibly decide to shut up no matter what on a 'boring' day (which I can do). In other words, I pay attention to others' cues pretty well when moderately engaged (though I still interrupt lightly when *highly* engaged/excited), but tend to either tune out entirely or have random outbursts when unengaged and bored/listless-- not that I'm not listening, but I'm not entirely engaged, and therefore my mind wanders, and when my mind wanders, my impulsivity gets super-upped.
Ok, at least now I've got an explanation (even if not an excuse), and can try to have meds before seminar classes, anyway.
Anyway, sorry, this was more verbal incontinence, following a lengthy period of verbal dryness and silence. Ugh. Sorry. :/
Anyway, on the larger front I'm very busy and all the times I'm not, I'm reading snatches of fiction and manga in pathetic dribbles, before my guilt drags me to read/write stuff for class, usually not a second before it's too late. I've adjusted, though; I hardly ever see my roommates or talk to my friends or call anyone, and I'm not doing so good at the whole club/social life/gym-going thing either, but I'm doing my homework... JUST. I'm really enjoying the seminar format portions of our class, except for the parts (especially today) where I randomly babble and interrupt, sounding like the hugest annoying idiot ever. :/
I am so embarrassed-- sooooo embarrassed-- that even just reading an article about it makes me more embarrassed. Stuff like, (paraphrasing) 'interrupting is a sign you consider what you say more important than what the other person says'-- which is SO not true, I just literally am having way more trouble than normal controlling my outbursts; still, the idea that others may perceive it that way sort of triples my embarrassment. It's not a feeling of importance/unimportance, but an impulse-control issue that may be related to feeling tired or a bit frazzled or whatever, who knows. It's usually not *this* bad, but it's not like I've been in school the last few years, and I haven't had seminars for a while even in school. It's BAD; I've been hounded by my embarrassment all of today, and in fact I was embarrassed in class and promised myself I won't do it again, and then I did it again before I could think. AGH, I just want to crawl somewhere and die. Except without the dying. But with the crawling.
In fact, I kept thinking 'they think I'm rude, don't they' and 'they think I'm a total doofus, don't they', because I don't even interrupt to say anything that meaningful/important/etc by my own standards; not like I interrupt on purpose, but aghhhh. Normally I do this less baldly with friends 'cause there's fewer people talking and I keep the rhythm of conversation easier, plus my gaucheness is accepted on some level-- I still do it, though, and I think I regard it sort of like how I have a hard time walking in a straight line (I walk in zigzags unless I concentrate), how I eat/live messily, frequently forget what I was saying or what my point is, ramble and try people's patience and sound like a two-year old 'cause I randomly momentarily forget words for things and say 'this' or 'that thing over there'-- all these embarrassing things. I guess in more one-on-one environments, it's more acceptable, but in a more group-wide setting, it's setting up my own sense of being excruciatingly exposed. It's only when I really pay attention that I wonder why more people don't consider I'm quasi-autistic and actually seem to think I've got some social insights. Oh well, they're only theoretical insights, anyway. And then somehow I end up going out with people who have the nerve to tell me they're 'not good with people/relationships', unlike ME. I mean, literally, I can't even shut up; it can't get more basic than knowing when to shut up. I constantly have the sense I'm saying something vaguely gauche and/or badly phrased; I *know* I am, so my saying things always feels like some sort of verbal incontinence, except when I literally cannot say a word. I SERIOUSLY don't know how I end up making anyone think I'm eloquent or whatever, even if I am 15% of the time-- what about the other 85% I sound like the hugest dork ever?? And to think I may be offending people by being rude makes it worse; I mean, if it was only my own doofusness, that's one thing, but this is just embarrassing on a whole 'nother level.......
And it's not that I can't listen; a lot of people with ADD online say they've got problems listening in general, not just controlling their babble/interrupt response. I do enjoy and practice listening (I think), but this doesn't help all the time, especially if I'm randomly bored in some time in class and *can't* listen to everything without going 'lalalalala' instead of doodling in my notebook. Maybe that's the problem? Can it be I interrupt more when I'm either too bored or too involved/excited?
Hm. I could try taking meds before class, or just trying to be aware when I'm doodling a *lot* and am thus more bored than usual, and stopping and forcing myself to listen or just forcibly decide to shut up no matter what on a 'boring' day (which I can do). In other words, I pay attention to others' cues pretty well when moderately engaged (though I still interrupt lightly when *highly* engaged/excited), but tend to either tune out entirely or have random outbursts when unengaged and bored/listless-- not that I'm not listening, but I'm not entirely engaged, and therefore my mind wanders, and when my mind wanders, my impulsivity gets super-upped.
Ok, at least now I've got an explanation (even if not an excuse), and can try to have meds before seminar classes, anyway.
Anyway, sorry, this was more verbal incontinence, following a lengthy period of verbal dryness and silence. Ugh. Sorry. :/
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Date: 2009-12-16 03:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-16 04:11 am (UTC)scream. okay, just so you have a full disclaimer, YOU SHOULD REALLY READ AMALIN'S HUG FIC (which not that many people have read, honestly, but it is my Fic of All Fics, ahhh) AND REPARO BECAUSE THEY ARE 1500000000 TIMES BETTER THAN MY FIC. which is not really all that fluffy, ahahahaha. anyway, i just sent it to elsewiser so hopefully if you feel like celebrating burying your head in THIRTY-FIVE THOUSAND MEANDERING WORDS OF ANGST, FEEL FREE.
also ahaha, another friend told me today that i was fandom jesus. so now cathy/kara/val are all YES THAT IS IT EXACTLY, ON THE SURFACE YOU ARE WALKING ON WATER BUT BENEATH YOU ARE PADDLING MADLY JUST TO STAY AFLOAT! and all SWAN WITH HALO!!! and it is very ridiculous and sweet ahaha. god. my life. and thank you. :)
it's not a wonder at all that you passed. my english teacher once told me that good work speaks for itself, so that 95% of the work done *well* is better than a half-assed %100 any day. <3
no subject
Date: 2009-12-16 04:20 am (UTC)Also hahah I can't even imagine 35,000 words of H/D fluff, which is of course why H/D fandom had been like poison to my open veins. I mean, if I didn't know it existed, I couldn't have invented it. I mean really. >____>; Eventually someone would have to get tested for bespelled roses AT THE VERY LEAST.
I actually did way less than 95%, it's just I bullshitted through the other 15% I didn't do either, but I don't *think* my professor knows. But it's too bad he wanted me to read one book a week. >____>;;;;;
no subject
Date: 2009-12-16 04:32 am (UTC)what kind of class was it for????
also re fluff, there's a new writer,
and my fic is... really not fluffy. i actually don't really even know how i feel about it, myself. it's just. afjaasklas. VERY ODD, ok. I think Reparo does what it's trying to do about 8 million times better.
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Date: 2009-12-16 04:41 am (UTC)I love your angst fics :D :D :D *wide evil grin* The only kind of angst I don't like is like, seriously stupid over-the-top angst where it's like, Draco's got a deadly disease, Harry has to marry Ginny FOR THE GOOD OF WIZARDKIND, really Draco loved him before he died, etcetc ugh why why why. Um yes, but other than that sort of soap-operaish thing, I love angst. :> And I think retelling/redoing things is like, the point.
It's for an English/folklore/sociology/ethnography interdisciplinary program. It mostly amounts to an English class, haha. :>